If Only I Could

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If only I could express everything.

But I still fear being judged.

I feel like my life is a lie, but I’ve lied to make that lie possible.

Do you think we go to hell for things we do even when we believe in God?

Or do you think that God is sovereign and forgives us for everything?

I hope you all know that I wish I was dead, but I’m too much of a coward to be that much of a coward.

I can’t run away from my problems, nor can I hide from them,

but to try to escape from them in such a stupid way would not get rid of the problem.

I feel I am not damned by anyone but myself.

This damned fool is damning himself for his own mistakes.

But I look for someone to blame. The number of times “Fuck You God” have passed my lips should in and of itself be enough to earn me eternal damnation.

But God loves me more than that to continue to love me even when I hate Him?

So if I turn my back on Him, do I separate from him? or does He love me enough to not damn me because of it?

I wish that there were definite answers for me, but I’m stuck in this gift of mercy that is incomprehensible to me because all I’ve ever known is that my wrong deeds have a consequence.
Have I served my time? Am I serving it now? Where do I go from here?

I yearn for punishment for my wrong doing and not an embrace of love because this loving embrace only means that I could keep doing this and keep getting mercy.

At what point does mercy run out? At what point do I no longer have this mercy. If I live my life the way that I want to but always in my head believe in God, is that enough to earn me eternal life?

Or does eternal life even exist at all?
Questions meander in my head and yet I’m still here and I’m still alive and I don’t know why because everything I’m striving for or I’ve strived for have been wretched away from me and left me in a state where I’m either depending on myself or depending on God. But when I’ve depended on Him before, He hasn’t pulled through in the time I need, but His timing is perfect, but when is it?

I’m dead on the inside and barely breathing on the outside.

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~ by robertlouishernandez on April 1, 2013.

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